Thursday 25 September 2014

The Longest Goodbye......

 

 
 
 
 
It feels like I've been saying goodbye to my Mum for many years now. For the past 5 years, watching her disappear. Loosing her memories one by one, her independence bit by bit.
 
Throughout that time I know she continued to love me, even when she didn't really know who I was. In the early days, she would get frightened and anxious, sometimes cross and irritable. I was there to reassure and love her.
 
When she wasn't safe to stay in her own home, my sisters and I helped to find her a safe place to live, one of us visited her each day. It wasn't just our duty, we wanted to. It's not easy to see my strong Mum, change so dramatically. There were many, many times, I pulled the car over on the way home, I couldn't see to drive from the tears that flowed.
 
This summer was one very long goodbye. The worst and sweetest time of my life. To know we were on borrowed time intensified our feelings, Mums too. I just poured so much love into her, every moment was precious. We all wanted her final days to be surrounded with love, and so that's what we did.
 
 
When Mum first went into the home, I would go and fetch her, and she would have tea with us. I would fetch out the old family photo albums and we would talk about the past. One day I realised she didn't remember me as a child anymore. She had been looking at a photo of me, aged 5, she said the little girl was lovely, but it was clear she didn't know me. She had forgotten the little girl who she had loved so much. I left her with the album, walked into the kitchen and my heart broke. Part of me disappeared to.
 
 
Since then I've had real difficulty looking at photos, and remembering how mum was before she developed Alzheimer's, it's been too painful, I've not really wanted to look at what I lost, I've grieved losing Mum, processed lots of feeling that people usually do after someone's died, but I've not really allowed myself to remember.
 
Yesterday we scattered Mums ashes, in a little woodland, in a spot where the sun shone through. Very apt as she certainly brightened up our lives. We came back, and toasted her memory with another glass of champagne. Since Mum has died, we've tried to celebrate her life, and I think we've done that, and I think she would approve.
 
 
So yesterday evening, I pulled down a suitcase, vintage of course, off my wardrobe and I opened it. I took out all the photos and started to look through them. Gradually the rest of the family came to join me......it was good, good to remember how things were, when I had a Mum and a Dad. I'd forgotten just how many family parties we had.
 
So today is the first day of the rest of my life. We really need to make the most of the time we have here. To love those around us with passion, to be the best we can be.....but not to worry if we aren't perfect. To be kind to others, but also to ourselves.
 
I can really feel the how the stress of the last few months have affected me, and I'm very aware of how my MS affects me when I'm stressed! So tomorrow I'm off to Whitby, for a long weekend with my friend. I feel lucky to be able to do this, lucky I've a family who know this is what I need, and good friends to spend time with.
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 

 

39 comments:

  1. Your mum will always be in your heart. Sometimes the feelings will be overwhelming and you just sit and think of past times, sometimes the feelings are there and the time just flies. Your mum will always be with you in some way smiling and admiring.
    Julie xxxxxxxx

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  2. Sending lots of hugs to you, you are a wonderful, strong woman & you amaze me with how you are coping. I hope you have an amazing weekend, take care of yourself.xx

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  3. Wishing you much love and happiness after your sad wiggle in life's road. All your lovely family memories are stored in your heart for when you need them XX

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  4. What a beautifully heartfelt and poignant post Ada. It really is such a hard thing to see those we love deteriorate in front of our eyes. The sadness we feel for them, but also ourselves.

    I was always very close to my Paternal Grandmother. My dad was her only child. She was a very 'girly' lady, and I was her only grand daughter (who was very 'girly' too), so we were close. She doted on my Grandfather, and when he died quite suddenly 7 years ago, she just stopped living really. She stopped moving around the house for fear of falling over if no one was there, she stopped eating too. Finally, my parents had to come to the decision to move her into a care home. It was heartbreaking to see such a vibrant woman lose the will to live. To feel helpless that all the family love could not make her want to stay and fight. She wasted away to almost nothing before she died which was heartbreaking. She just wanted to meet her husband again. For months after her death, I only remembered her how she had got at the end which was hard. Now I can remember her as she was in her glory, and I have a wonderful smile back on my face.

    You have so many wonderful memories of your mum.....and the photos show that. Keep looking at them, and remembering the love.

    Take care

    Vanessa xxx

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  5. Beautiful words - brought a tear to my eye. Have a wonderful time in Whitby, relaxed and ready for the next phase of your life. x

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  6. Oh Ada ... I am in tears reading this. You have had so much to deal with and you have done it with the utmost love and caring. I am so glad you are able to revisit precious memories and look at your photos again. Enjoy your time in Whitby ... I've never been but have read that it is lovely. Take care ... M xx

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  7. A beautifully written post. The next to last paragraph echos how I am really trying to live my life, and how I wish everyone would. The world would be a better place. Have a wonderful time in Whitby, such a beautiful part of the world. And make sure you enjoy some fish and chips - away from the seagulls x

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  8. Dearest Ada, what a lovely post!!!! Thoughts are with you and your family!!!!!! Enjoy your little break!!!!!
    Love
    AMarie
    xxx

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  9. Enjoy a well earned break. You deserve it. Xx

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  10. You are a very strong lady too and wise enough to know how to stay that way. Have a lovely restorative break. xxx

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  11. A beautiful post Ada. Take lots of care and enjoy your weekend away. xx

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  12. have a lovely break Ada, take care of yourself X

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  13. Oh, honey, how I know what you mean! It was just like that with my Nan. Go to Whitby and have a good time. And well done for capturing your thoughts and feelings for a special lady so well.

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  14. Such a beautifully written post, I hope your break is everything you need it to be. xx

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  15. What a utterly beautiful blog post x Hope your weekend in Whitby helps you x
    Lucy x

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  16. Your post bought tears to my eyes, I hope you have a wonderful break, Whitby is such a lovely place.

    Helenxx

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  17. Thank you for sharing this Ada, and your wise advice.
    I hope you have a lovely time in Whitby.
    Jacquie x

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  18. Your mother will stay alive and healthy in your heart and memory. Keep looking at the beautiful moments the photos have captured for ever, And enjoy life!

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  19. Tears in my eyes.
    My mother has also Alzheimer.
    Hug for you from Holland. X Katrien.

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  20. Hope you have a lovely time in Whitby and are kind to yourself. Take care. Sarah x

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  21. Sitting here with tears streaming down my face, dear Ada. I feel and recognise all those feelings, all those times you sat in the car crying, feeling bereft because your mum was there -yet not. The hardest part has passed. Take the time to look at those photos, remember the good times and cry at the loss of them for your mum. You have been such a good daughter. I am a little behind you on that darkening path, but my mum has recently become quite settled in her new 'home' so some of the awful guilt and pain has gone from my shoulders, and I hope she can be happy and feel safe now until it her time to leave us. Feeling for you, dear dear Ada, and thank you for this lovely, sad post. Lxxxxxxx

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  22. You are so very right about remembering to be kind to ourselves, I hope that you will be kind to yourself and have a good time on your weekend away. Take care and here's to making lots of new memories as well as remembering the old ones. xx

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  23. Preserve your memories, as I do. Have a lovely break! You couldn't be going to a better place.
    Jacqui x

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  24. Be kind to your self...Its a must...
    This year and the one after, are your healing years...
    Write a diary of those dreams , and your feelings...I still do...Its healing too..
    ~ Every part of your journey and Your Mama's was the same as ours..
    Even down to bringing Mum for tea and looking through the photographs..They frightened her once, those of us all ...Especially seeing dear Dad. on the pictures......To long ago, she said..
    It was I know...But it was my normality ..Not Mums ....
    I send you the biggest hug...
    Give your self time to heal..
    And know that your mum like mine is safe again in the arms of your Dad..
    Maria x

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  25. What beautiful words Ada, and so much wisdom. I really hope you enjoy your break away - it is so important to be kind to ourselves. I still get upset and have a little cry everytime I dig out old photos and remember all those fun/special times - I don't think that will ever change. Hugs xxx

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  26. Sending hugs, so beautifully written, have a wonderful weekend and take care of yourself.
    Clare xx

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  27. I do hope your weekend is as restorative as you need it to be, and sunny, sunny would be good. Hugs xxx

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  28. What a beautiful post, Ada. I can't imagine having to lose a part of your Mum little by little. It was so very hard to lose Mom but she knew us right up to the end and was THE MOM until the end. When she realized shed couldn't be as independent as she had always been, she still fought hard to maintain as much as she could. I miss her every day. Some days are better than others and with time, I know that will increase. We just have to take our time and allow ourselves to do it in our own way. It is wonderful that you get to get away for this weekend. I agree, we have to be kind to ourselves so we can be kind to others.

    Hugs,
    Sharon

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  29. Beautiful post, sending love and big hugs Ada Bea Xxxx

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  30. What a beautiful post. Sending love your way Ada! Bee xx

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  31. You surely deserve a holiday and some time to focus on yourself. I can't even begin to imagine what you and your family have been going through. Enjoy your weekend and take care xxx
    Lynne

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  32. so touching Ada I find words hard to find, just know I am thinking of you, ave been away so did not catch up till today(28th) but know the Whitby trip did not go ahead, trust all is well with the dog and your daughter is feeling better now

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  33. Beautifully said, Ada. You are right, we must make the most of every single day, as we never know what is round the corner. You've given me lots to think about here. I think everything life has thrown at you lately has made you the most incredibly wise lady. I'm going to call you the Dalai Ada now. ;-)

    Take care lovely xx

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  34. What a beautiful post, you've made me teary. Sending hugs to you.

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  35. This made me very tearful.. Sending you love x

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  36. Ada, I should have read this post before commenting on Bye for now... yesterday. I too have MS so we have more in common than I first thought. Taking a break from online life from time to time enables me to recharge my ailing nervous system and to sort out my immediate priorities. Crafting, reading, watching films, talking to my husband or sitting in companionable silence - all these things are helping me during my blog break.
    It is however a pleasure to pause from the break and to read & comment here.
    I'll read some more posts later. Real life calls.

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