Thursday, 25 September 2014

The Longest Goodbye......

 

 
 
 
 
It feels like I've been saying goodbye to my Mum for many years now. For the past 5 years, watching her disappear. Loosing her memories one by one, her independence bit by bit.
 
Throughout that time I know she continued to love me, even when she didn't really know who I was. In the early days, she would get frightened and anxious, sometimes cross and irritable. I was there to reassure and love her.
 
When she wasn't safe to stay in her own home, my sisters and I helped to find her a safe place to live, one of us visited her each day. It wasn't just our duty, we wanted to. It's not easy to see my strong Mum, change so dramatically. There were many, many times, I pulled the car over on the way home, I couldn't see to drive from the tears that flowed.
 
This summer was one very long goodbye. The worst and sweetest time of my life. To know we were on borrowed time intensified our feelings, Mums too. I just poured so much love into her, every moment was precious. We all wanted her final days to be surrounded with love, and so that's what we did.
 
 
When Mum first went into the home, I would go and fetch her, and she would have tea with us. I would fetch out the old family photo albums and we would talk about the past. One day I realised she didn't remember me as a child anymore. She had been looking at a photo of me, aged 5, she said the little girl was lovely, but it was clear she didn't know me. She had forgotten the little girl who she had loved so much. I left her with the album, walked into the kitchen and my heart broke. Part of me disappeared to.
 
 
Since then I've had real difficulty looking at photos, and remembering how mum was before she developed Alzheimer's, it's been too painful, I've not really wanted to look at what I lost, I've grieved losing Mum, processed lots of feeling that people usually do after someone's died, but I've not really allowed myself to remember.
 
Yesterday we scattered Mums ashes, in a little woodland, in a spot where the sun shone through. Very apt as she certainly brightened up our lives. We came back, and toasted her memory with another glass of champagne. Since Mum has died, we've tried to celebrate her life, and I think we've done that, and I think she would approve.
 
 
So yesterday evening, I pulled down a suitcase, vintage of course, off my wardrobe and I opened it. I took out all the photos and started to look through them. Gradually the rest of the family came to join me......it was good, good to remember how things were, when I had a Mum and a Dad. I'd forgotten just how many family parties we had.
 
So today is the first day of the rest of my life. We really need to make the most of the time we have here. To love those around us with passion, to be the best we can be.....but not to worry if we aren't perfect. To be kind to others, but also to ourselves.
 
I can really feel the how the stress of the last few months have affected me, and I'm very aware of how my MS affects me when I'm stressed! So tomorrow I'm off to Whitby, for a long weekend with my friend. I feel lucky to be able to do this, lucky I've a family who know this is what I need, and good friends to spend time with.
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 

 

Friday, 19 September 2014

It's Been A Good Week.......

 

 
 
 
This week I'm concentrating on the positives, of what's been good.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Finally facing my fears, I've finished my quilt!
 
 
 
 
 
 
By quilting standards, this one was an easy one, but everyone's got to start somewhere......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
On a dull day like today, it's a rainbow of cheeriness!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I was helped to conquer my fears, by the very lovely Amanda who runs The Faff Rooms, a haberdashery and sewing workshop. It's a brilliant little place, it's only in it's second year, and Amanda is developing and growing this space brilliantly. There's such a welcoming atmosphere there.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So what next on the quilting quest.....I'd love to do something with triangles, anyone know a fool proof way to join triangles? They look tricky!
 
 
 
 
 
 
We gave Mum a brilliant send off, concentrating on what we had by knowing her, rather than what we lost. There were tears of course, but lots of happy memories, and we celebrated one wonderful life. It would have been Mums 87th birthday today, my sister and I are going out for lunch......good wine and good food, Mum would wholeheartedly approve!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
On Sunday we took a little trip down the Chesterfield Canal, a very gentle way to see the countryside.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Now, I think I might need to do a bit more of this......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Everyday I'm grateful for my crafty life.....yes, it's been a good week.
 
 
 
I hope you all have a great weekend, I hope good things happen....
 
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Twisted Elmer......

 

 
 
 
Hello Everyone......hope all is well in your part of the world! Thought I'd share with you my 'Twisted' Elmer blanket. It's not quite finished yet, I've still 10 seams to sew, but I'm giving my crochet sore fingers and elbows a rest first!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I started to make this a few weeks ago, I felt I needed something to make me sit and relax a bit after all the recent difficulties. It became a bit of an addiction.......I know, very unlike me!
 
 
 
 
 
I wanted something to use up all my leftover Kings Cole yarn, and just loved all the Elmer/patchwork blankets around, but I decided to put my own 'twist' on it.......
 
 
 
 
 
 
This resulted in some mixed coloured grannies in there too, I love the effect.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I've spent many hours crocheting away, watching the granny piles growing....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Eventually I had enough to put it all together......
 
 
 
 
 
 
This one is for Mr Bea.....he thinks it's because I love him, or maybe because he's 'twisted' too?!
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's not the biggest of blankets but it will help keep his legs warm whilst he's producing his music!
 
 
 
Those of you on Instagram will have seen all this photos before, but I just love the editing choices you have on there, much easier than anything else I've got! I'm really hoping to upgrade my camera this year, and learn how to take better pictures.
 
 
We say our goodbyes this week to our beautiful mum so I won't be back until next week. We are planning a glass or two of champagne before the ceremony, partly as Dutch courage, and also as a celebration of a wonderful soul, who touched us all so deeply.....we shall be having a glass for Mum, who loved champagne......so maybe that will make it three glasses!!!
 
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
I will leave you we another colourful image.....Pumpkin :) x
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Permission.......

 
 
 
I'm giving myself permission......
 
 
 
 
 
 
To crochet, lots of crochet time......
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
To cry, as and when I need, for as long or as little as I need, in any place, and at any time......
 
 
 
 
 
 
To laugh and enjoy life, to not feel guilty if I forget for a moment, to not always be shrouded in grief......
 
 
 
 
 
 
To indulge in a little, (or large), purchase! Rowan All Seasons Chunky.....less than a third of the price, well I couldn't not......I'm thinking Christmas already....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
To start ANOTHER crochet project ;).........
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
To tweak, yes tweak, not twerk, my bedroom. I know we only revamped it last year but a few little changes are needed........
 
 
 
 
 
To learn something new.....more to be revealed on this one.....
 
 
 
What are you giving yourself permission to do.......
 
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
Only 30 more to go...... :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

On My Mantle: September

 

 
 
As expected, when someone you love dies, those around you want to express their sorrow, their support, and their love. Over the last couple of weeks my mantle has become full of cards and flowers.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The flowers have been beautiful, those in my real world have been so kind, those in my 'virtual' world, just as kind. Thank you all so much. I shall take these cards down after Mums funeral, and keep them safe.
 
 
Karen over on A Quiet Corner has also been documenting what's on her mantle, and her photos are brilliant too!
 
 
 
 
I thought I would share the other side of our room too.....pictures are gradually being put up on the walls, I love this print by Clare Halifax, which I bought when I went away with my friend in May. I love it, the detail and textures. I could get lost in that picture.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'm afraid my photos don't do it justice!
 
 
 
 
 
And I've put up a print I bought from Rockett St George. It's 1950s design, I love the colours in this one.
 
 
 
 
 
And I've also been busy with this little fella.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Alfie came to stay for a week whilst my friend went away, he was adorable, even if he did run off with my yarn!
 
He's gone now and it seems strangely quiet, even more so tomorrow when school starts. I will pop back later in with the week....a lovely purchase to share!
 
 
Bye For Now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

 

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Time, and A Hole.......

 

 
 
I'm suddenly finding myself with time. Time is a funny old thing isn't it, it's supposed to be constant, never changing, exact. Recently, I've found time changing, slipping through my fingers. No matter how hard I've tried to grasp it tight, before I know it, it's gone.....so quick. I just haven't been able to fit everything into the day that I hoped.
 
 
 
 
 
Knowing that Mum was in the last few days of her life has amplified time, made it more acute, more precious. I spent as much time as I could during her last few weeks, my usual life put on hold.
 
 
 
 
Tuesday was my last evening with her, just mum and me, listening to the radio. She held my finger, she was so ill and yet she communicated so much through the touch of my finger. I wanted time to stand still, to freeze that moment, suspend it. But how could I wish this, when I knew how ill she was, how much she was suffering? No that would have been selfish. She couldn't stay, not like this.
 
 
 
 
 
And so I told her all about my garden plans, the things I wanted to plant, and the garden room I'm hoping for. I told her I was ok, that she had bought up three daughters, who were strong, who knew how to enjoy life, it was ok to leave us, we would be alright. She had done a great job.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And the last few minutes of mums life were the hardest I've ever experienced. To know that someone you love so much, will soon leave you is incredibly painful.....and I hope us being there helped her, as she has helped us all our lives.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And time now, well it seems endless. I have so much time, I've got a huge gap to fill. A Mum-Shaped Hole. How do you fill a Mum-Shaped Hole. At this moment, I'm not sure.
 
 
 
 
 
Over the last few endless days, I've started to finish off some of my crafty projects. And I will continue to put my 'extra' time to good use, there a whole lot of crafting that needs to be done.....after all creativity is good for the soul.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I stared this blog just as my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, partly as a way of reconnecting with her again....through our crafty ways. I've got so much more from it. I've found a whole new community, joined together through their love of craft.
 
My Mum would have loved this little space of mine......and maybe now, she can read it......
 
 
 
Bye for now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx