It's been a challenging few weeks, physically, mentally, and emotionally. This week I've felt my body become weaker and weaker. What started as a small numb patch, began to slowly spread over almost half my body. I wondered if it would engulf me. But I say to myself, best not to panic.
It's a funny old thing this MS malarkey, you never really know where it's going to go, which path it's going to take you on. You never really know what's going to happen next, will the numbness spread further? Will the weakness take away the use of your legs, completely? Will you be able to use those blinking garden steps, that's just cost you a small fortune to install? But I say to myself, best not to panic.
There's a lot of stresses and strains going on here at the moment. I'm physically exhausted from the gardening, even though I've had lots of help. I'm frustrated by the restrictions of my body, coming many years earlier than I ever thought they would. In my head I want to zoom around doing all sorts of stuff, but now even the smallest activity can leave me wrung out. But I say to myself, best not to panic.
I've been emotionally challenged by motherhood this week too. It's such an important job, but the absence of energy, and the complexities of my little, quirky family, make me feel wholly inadequate. What if I can't be what they need to be? Am I up to the many years of adolescence ahead of me? Even as young adults they will still need me to be there, have I got what's needed? But I say to myself, best not to panic.
Mentally, I'm frustrated. A few years ago I wasn't treated fairly, it's cost me dearly, both financially, and affected my self worth. I've got a battle ahead of me and it seems so unfair. I'm angry that what little energy I have, needs to be spent on a fight. I need that energy for my family, for myself. I don't want to fight this fight. I shouldn't be fighting this fight. I'm fighting a giant, and that's a worry. But I say to myself, best not to panic.
I'm not one to panic, on the whole, I take what's thrown at me in my stride. This week however, I feel overwhelmed by the path I'm on. I know there are many, many people on much more difficult paths...in fact they would think my path is relatively easy. They would swap me in the blink of an eye. I'm overwhelmed because I'm so exhausted, that's all. Things usually work out, and if they don't, there's usually a way of of dealing with things. It really is best not to panic.
Amanda :) xxx