I need to get my feelings out, and in order to do that, I'm going to wallow. Please move on if you want too, and don't read, I wouldn't blame you. What I'm going to write is really one of those first-world problems we read about, i.e. most of the people living on this planet wouldn't see it as a problem, they'd just be bloody grateful to be in my shoes. I think when you have a condition like MS you can feel vulnerable, uncertain about the future. This picture above is the back of my house, I just wish it looked different, and here's why...
I've accepted the fact I have MS, I've accepted the fact that my mobility issues stop me from doing the things I once enjoyed. I know, in comparison to many others with MS, I'm actually doing ok. I've accepted the fact that I can no longer earn a living the way I did before, and that our lifestyle isn't what I hoped it would be. I'm trying to accept the fact that we won't be able to financially help and support our girls, in the way I thought we would. (But then neither my husband, or I have ever been in the position to be supported by our parents, and we managed).
I've accepted a lot over the past few years. I've managed to cope, and carve out a new life for myself and my family. I love my home and the area I live in, and always thought we would live here, until our girls had grown and flown. This house, as it is now however, can't support my changing mobility needs. If I stay the same as I am now, everything will be ok, but if things progress, like they have done over the last five years, well my home won't offer me the accessibility I need.
Now for the bit I'm really struggling with. A few years ago, the authority I worked for didn't follow correct procedures, and because of this I've lost out on tens of thousands of pounds of my pension pot. With that money we could have extended downstairs, and made my home, accessible for me, whatever my changing needs become. Up until a few weeks ago, I had thought that this would happen. I now know that it won't. None of this is my fault, yet I'm the one living with those consequences. It's seems so unfair. I have a insecure future, just because someone made the wrong decision. Last week when I was ill I got stuck on the stairs, it's made me realise how difficult things can get.
I'm really struggling with this, and as much as I try to shake off the injustice, it still keeps grabbing hold. I've really got to let go and stop, STOP, thinking how things could have been. I keep going over how it could have been.
I COULD have had a house that was fully accessible.
We COULD have lived here all our lives, if that's what we wanted.
We COULD have had a little extra each month, to support our girls through their education.
I COULD have had not only a lovely garden, but also my lovely greenhouse.
So as you can see, I'm in a period of grieving, not for a person, that's much harder, but for a better future. However, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, to teach us something. Are these lessons I need to learn?
1.To be less greedy, and be truly grateful for what I have. I've got so much good in my life, yet I'm wanting more. There are many people in this world who don't even have a home. I really need to learn to be less selfish.
2.If I did have an accessible house, then would I become lazy? As things are now, I know I'm up against it. Just this last year I'm able to do less, but I push myself every day, I never give in. I push myself to do things because if I don't then is the next step not being able to climb those stairs. Perhaps by not having things easy, it's making me work harder to stay mobile? Maybe that's why that person made the wrong decision?
3. Life doesn't always deal us the cards we were hoping for, just switch on the news and you see that, look at all those innocent people killed and injured just lately, they would never have imagined the card they were dealt. I'm alive for goodness sake, isn't that enough. I really do need to get my act together, don't I?!!!
So that's today, just how I'm feeling warts and all. I'm sorry to rant, but I found when I've wrote about stuff like this in the past, it's really helped me to move on...fingers crossed. My husband keeps telling me to get in the real world, and he's right, I'm a great dreamer, and believer that people will put right what was wrong, but that's not always the case. I've got to stop with the 'could haves' and concentrate on what I do have, a beautiful family, loving friends, and a bloody fabulous garden!
Have a great day, tomorrow I will be posting happier pictures, and happier thoughts! (and well done if you got to the end of this!).
Amanda :) xxx