We can only really be the creators of our own happiness, our own peace. We can try to instill happiness and peace in others, we can wear ourselves out doing so, but we can't really make others be happy. We can't give them peace. It's something they have to find for themselves.
This is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, especially if you are a fixer. If you are the sort of person who feels the distress of others, absorb it into your soul, like it was your very own pain. It's very hard to stay strong, when you are feeling spent. When you've depleated all your energy, trying to lift someone else's spirit, to fix them.
In our house we have little demons who visit us at night, when it's dark, when we feel at our most vulnerable. They torment us with visions of horrible things, don't let us rest, they steal out sleep, they steal our peace. They cause us to twist in pain and panic, to be truly terrified. So terrified that even the person you feel closest to, can't help you.
Being a parent can be full of awe and wonder, you can't quite believe you've bought this incredible human being into the world. It can also be the most difficult, challenging job on the planet. It can make you feel like the biggest failure, totally, utterly rubbish.
As parents, we don't talk that much about our young people and about the mental health issues they may have. Maybe it's because we feel guilty, after all it must be our fault, we must be doing something wrong. Parents are supposed to make their children happy, we are supposed to be able to banish demons, aren't we? Be the ones to give peace. This message is given loud and clear, if a child is sad, troubled, it's the parents fault. It's my fault.
I can't banish the demons, as hard as I try. I'm exhausted fighting them night after night. And yes, as a parent I feel a failure. Once again we will turn to the professionals and their coping techniques. Childhood mental health services are stretched to breaking point in the UK. Our children's mental health issues are much bigger than we let on.
My hope is that one day this will pass, with maturity, some new strategies, and with oodles of love and support. That eventually I will pass on this message, that whilst it's good to have people around us who love us, we really are the creators of our own happiness, our own peace.
So right now, I'm sat in my beautiful peaceful garden, enjoying the clear September light and warm sunshine, and I'm listening to the birds. I'm creating my own peace, my own happiness...I'm recharging my batteries.
Amanda :) xxx
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That was very beautiful, my son suffers from anxiety and is being treated. I feel that we can let them know they are loved and supported and try to have a calming atmosphere at home but it is very difficult sometimes and exhausting. But worse for him who is actually experiencing the constant anxiety.
ReplyDeleteKind wishes
Wendy
Hi Wendy, yes it's exhausting for them, we can only try our best, hopefully your sons anxiety will get better as he matures :) xxx
DeleteWe have gone through something similar with our child and I agree, no matter what we do or say it is up to her how she deals with it and how long it takes her to choose to try her best to feel better. I want with all my heart for her to be happy. I am going to go op shopping to recharge :)
ReplyDeleteWe have to find ways to manage the stress otherwise we won't be able to help...hope you found treasure;) xxx
DeleteThis resonates with me totally. We may be living parallel lives in this respect. Ironically by investing so much emotionally we become drained ourselves. It so hard when access to appropriate support is nigh on impossible. One has to take pleasure in small things and encourage them to do the same, rather than become overwhelmed by the scary 'what if' big picture at times. Xx
ReplyDeleteThe What If is indeed a scary place to go, I try very hard not to think in the future but it can draw you in, enjoying simple everyday things is a great way to approach life. Take care :) xxx
DeleteYour first paragraph really resonated with me- we have just come back from a family holiday (4 children aged 18-26) where one member of our party was at odds with the others. It is so hard as parents -these are still young people under pressure in today's society- to try and resolve matters, and as you say later, you naturally feel you have failed in some way. It would be so much easier if you could put happiness in a box and pass it on, but it doesn't work that way.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and good strength in dealing with the anxiety that your family faces. Know that you are not alone.
Thank you Lulu, we can't solve all their issues, I think that's the key really, understanding that and not feeling guilty about it. It's much better to pass that knowledge on to our children, they steer their own destiny and happiness :) xxx
DeleteWe have been through it, understand completely what you are going through xx
ReplyDeleteThank you :) xxx
DeleteThank you for that post. I'm goin to go this morning to try and help my oldest son, who's hurt his back. I wake up with demons myself, torturing me with the suffering of my grown children. I have to remind myself that they are adults now, but I still hurt when they do.
ReplyDeleteOf course you do, but yes they are adults, we can be here to support but they are the ones to make the changes :) xxx
DeleteI think the most important thing is the oodles of love, not being able to make everything better does not make a failure, the success is in understanding that everything may not be as it should and finding your own peace so you support and soothe as best as you can xx
ReplyDeleteVery wise words Cheryl, thank you :) xxx
DeleteAmanda I do feel for you so much. I feel for the younger generation growing up or trying to in a very difficult time, the pressure they feel under makes their stress huge. Quite frankly it is not a nice world but it is what it is. You are there for them and offering motherly comfort. Keep strong for you and them.
ReplyDeleteIt's a peculiar world they live in, I've recently watched a few of the u-tubers they watch, it's no wonder our children are having anxiety issues, they are very strange people! ;) xxx
DeleteOh yes, those demons....... I'm sending a hug your way.
ReplyDeleteA belated birthday wish to your little furry person too.
Thank you Jan :) xxx
Deletejust de-lurking to say i understand. completely. i'm walking a similar path with my beloved daughter and know how it can be so terribly exhausting to hold space for our children when they're struggling.
ReplyDeletei wish you strength, peace and all the love of the universe. xo
Thank you Mel, I really hope things improve soon for your daughter :) xxx
DeleteThe mental health treatment in Australia is no better, regardless of age. I too have a teenage daughter with mental health problems & have spent many a night in despair. Hopefully with the love and support of their families and with the help of good Dr's we can keep them safe while not beating our selves up. Take care from Australia
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting me know your situation Meredith, wishing you both strength and peace :) xxx
DeleteWish I'd read your words some years ago. Children aged 23 &21 and still in my fixer and failed parent role. Adult mental health service's are stretched beyond belief.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, I'm sorry to hear this, sending love :) xxx
DeleteOh those creeping demons...Your post resonated with me too. Thinking of you
ReplyDeleteWe need a demon busting potion Deborah, the shelves would soon be empty! :) xxx
DeleteIt's not a long-term solution, but I use audio books to banish my night time demons. They stop me getting into an impossible spiral of worry... xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for the idea :) xxx
DeleteI can totally relate to what you are saying. When I see my boy anxious and scared I feel so guilty that he is going to end up like me. Somehow we seem to muddle through. Keep giving yourself some relaxation time to build up your energy to be there. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Sweetheart, I will...good job I've got my garden and studio! ;) xxx
DeleteDear Ananda, so beautifully and thoughtfully written. Good communication and listening between ourselves and our children is a good start, we cannot solve all of their fears and problems but knowing they are loved and supported emotionally will help them feel more secure and confident. Some professional help may be needed in severe cases. I hope all works out well for you and your family dear friend, enjoy your time in the warmth of the sunshine.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, Dianne
xoxoxo. ♥️
We are very close, which makes the fact I can't help her unbearable. The waiting list for professional intervention is a long one but at least we are on it :) xxx
DeleteYes, dear I understand, when we are so close to our children it is heartbreaking when we cannot help no matter how much we try. The world is a difficult place for young people now with so many pressures to succeed. My daughter had an emotional crisis in her late teens, early adult years, which affected her badly and took away all of her confidence and made her very ill. She was attending Universityand was being stalked by an unknown male who would call at any time, day or night with his disgusting, threatening language, we had to get the police involved but he was never caught. We changed our phone number but the calls persisted so we believe it was someone she knew. Growing up is difficult enough without this kind of abuse. Finally after quite some time the calls stopped. My darling daughter was a mess and frightened so I sought treatment from a psychiatrist in private practice, very expensive but worth it. With his help and the love and support from myself, family and friends she recovered. All the best dear Amanda and also your darling daughter.
DeleteMuch love, Dianne
xoxoxo. ❤️
Dianne, that is truly awful. Your daughters life being tormented way and through no fault of her own, I'm so glad she recovered. Sending you both my love :) xxx
DeleteOh Amanda, you are certainly bearing a lot these days. Lots of love bestowed on our children is always a good thing. Don't beat yourself up with guilt, that's a destructive path to take. It just brings huge stress down on you and will make you bitter. I went through a long guilt stage with the care of my father, and have slowly forced myself to change my thinking and accepting what it is. Accepting that it's not my fault that he is unhappy. I do the best that I can for him even though he wants more, I give him all that I can. And you are a loving and caring mother, and doing the best things possible for your daughters. You are there for them all the time and giving them all that you can. You can't give or love any more than that. Hugs to you all, take care and hang in there sweetheart,
ReplyDeleteWendy xox
Wish I had words of wisdom, I don't. We manage, we cope because what else can we do?
ReplyDelete