My Dearest Sweetheart,
If I could change places with you I would, in a heartbeat. All I can do is standby and watch, as your mind goes faster and faster, and your thoughts race towards that imaginary disaster. (I do know to you however, it feels real, very real).
I'm trying to do my best for you, getting that balance between giving you the love and support you need, but letting you also find you're own way through this. You see, there's really only you who can change the way you feel, but we will be there with you every step of the way. (We are your marathon support team, handing out refreshments and encouragements when you are flagging).
And to that fear in you head, well if I could clamber in there, and throw out those muddled, unwanted thoughts, then I would, but I can't. So you're going to have to fight them, you're going to need to stand up against them...tell them to sod off, that they are lying to you, and have no place in your head. (On this occasion, if you feel you need to swear, I won't mind...I swear at them too).
Next time, when you are chatting with your friend, and she accidentally spits on your face, and a tiny drop lands in your mouth, stay calm. It's ok, it's not going to hurt you, or make you ill. In fact, thank your friend! That tiny exchange of bodily fluid means your body is now making extra antibodies, making you extra healthy...hooray for any bits of bodily fluid that comes your way! (Eventually there will be someone you really want to kiss, I'm hoping this will be quite a few years away, but it will happen, and there's a lot of bodily fluid exchange in a kiss, think of this as preparation for that day).
Find your happy place, your calm space. Find somewhere that makes you forget all your worries and woes, somewhere where those silly thoughts can't find you. You are very creative, I'm sure you will find a place, and it will be somewhere that's amazing. (Mine as you know is my garden, and studio...feel free to join me anytime, I'm always grateful for an extra pair of hands for weeding!).
We love you with all our heart, your dad and I. We love the very bones of you. We love your creativity, your very kind heart, the way you make us laugh out loud every day. We love that beautiful smile of yours, and the way it makes your eyes twinkle. We just love you. It's makes us sad, and angry when we see you like this, but it doesn't have to last forever. YOU have the power within you to change. Believe in yourself.
Love Mum :) xxx
(Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post, thank you for sharing, thank you for your support).
Learn to chill like Otto ;) xxx
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Beautifully written and full of love and emotion. You sound like the very best parents giving the very best support. I'm sending my best wishes to your daughter and to you. Hugs, CJ xx
ReplyDeleteWe are trying to but it's not easy and stretching us to the absolute limit :) xxx
DeleteHow beautiful, something she could print out and have under her pillow. As someone with their own issues, I know your love and support mean everything xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely idea Cheryl :) xxx
DeleteBeautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you :) xxx
DeleteWow Amanda, my tears are for you all. Young people can be so spiteful. I hope your daughter can learn that she has not got a problem it is the other person and she needs to keep strong and move forward. Does she do any kind of relaxation technique or visualisation? I used to take my daughter on imaginary walks, through fields, by water etc. Might help you to. Do try to have a relaxing weekend.
ReplyDeleteWe've tried lots of different things, things do help for a little while but then seem to loose there affect, maybe the professionals will have some new ideas, I hope so! :) xxx
DeleteThinking about you and all the family.being a parent is no easy task.fingers crossed things get better.Barbaraxxx
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda & family thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am very moved by your letter & yes I agree with everyone above but I can also empathise with you & your husband feeling that you have to do more because you are parents and that's your. I am in awe of how you are coping, supporting & loving her not to mention each other. I am also glad that you are aware of your limitations& are not charging in taking over her life. I have messaged you a while back when you were talking about coming to terms with life now. I spoke about my own issues with mobility but I would also like to share with you that I am a counsellor which I love and I am volunteering with people affected by cancer which is rewarding. However I am also living with depression, this effects my life like an ocean up, down, coming and going. I have learned to remember that no one is "sorted", this can make some of the ruminations not bearable. I am not ashamed of my mental health but you are so so right "getting there" takes time, practice and sometimes another person who is not connected to the situation. I have been in therapy at some of the harder parts of my life which has been hard but worth it. I am now in the position of having someone who loves me no matter what I am going through. Sarah and I got married this June and I know that I am lucky to have her support. So in amongst all of the moments in your day when you think can I do more, I want to take away the pain try to remember that you are doing your best, you are there when she reaches out and that getting in touch with the appropriate people is probably the best thing you can do for your baby. A close second is not hiding her and your worries under a rock out of fear of what people will think and say, that is awesome. I hope that you and your family get some support from the replies to your blog post. Take care of yourself and your family love from me in Glasgow xx
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda, I've been thinking of you. So many thoughts of what to say and advice to give, but now I'm back to do that, I just can't really find all the words. So I wanted to say that things can turn around, even when your sure they can't, and just keep doing what you can, step by step, and don't lose hope, until something shifts somewhere. It's not all down to you, and other people have experienced this before, so you are not alone. But check out all the resources you can, even the ones they don't always manage to tell you about. These services, are good, what bits of it you can manage to get, and someone reaching in and making a connection can help and shed new light on things. It's all happening for a reason, I believe that, so that something which needs to be seen or heard can find a way to express itself in a safe space and find a way to learn new ways of being, and learn to feel calm and safe. Perhaps I found some words after all! Good luck with everything. X
ReplyDeleteI wish my parents had talked to me like that when I was in that dark place. It would have helped a lot. Show her love, trust; show her it's unconditional. Never falter. She will get out of this a lot stronger and better. She will find her happy place just like I found mine. (hugs you and send you lot of strength)
ReplyDeleteKay
Having travelled the road that you are on I know exactly how you feel. But if it is any help, it will pass, eventually, it will pass. It takes time, a lot of time and patience and acceptance. Acceptance that this kind of illness will come and go, it will come in waves, but the waves will get smaller every time they hit her, and they will end in a soft ripple.
ReplyDeleteYou will never feel entirely safe again, if you're like me. You will continue to watch her, be prepared for the next time it happens. But charging your own batteries will help you to stay strong next time the illness hits your daughter, if it ever comes back again.
You have to trust the professionals who are dealing with these things on a daily basis. They know what to do and they will give you tips as well. If it's really bad, it might help to start therapy yourself for some time, as I did, when I thought that I couldn't cope anymore.
I was struck by your letter, by your words, that could have been mine to my child. So many similarities that it is almost disturbing.
My daughter is on the mend at the moment, not completely healed, but on a very good way. These things take longer to heal than a broken bone, and they will always leave a scar on your daughter's and your own soul. But I have learnt so much about myself during those hard days that retrospectively, I can be grateful for them as well.
I haven't looked at Bloglovin for well over a year, so I'm so sorry to hear of your daughters battling so hard with life. I would like to quietly for her and you too, if thats ok. Woo xx
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