Wednesday, 22 May 2013

I Don't Like To Think Too Much.....But I LOVE To Open Parcels!


Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. I was feeling a little sad when I wrote it. I try not to get sad very often, but sometimes I do....when I think too much.
My Mum is an integral part of me, she's an integral part of this blog, I wrote about how I feel about her Alzheimer's here, if you're interested. My Mum would have loved to read this blog. In fact, I think she may of had one of her own!!! She would have had lots to show and share!
I've had lots of emails since I started to write about Mum, loads of support, people going through the same thing. People asking me how I cope. Now that's a very individual thing isn't it, coping.
I'm open about her, how I feel about her, how much it can hurt to see only a shadow of herself, the very slightest reflection of who she was. One thing I find extremely hard is to THINK about her. I can't bring myself to think and remember how she was, just a few short years ago.
Childhood memories are fine, love those....could talk about those all day! Remembering when Dad was alive, Christmases together, holidays, special occasions fab, fab, fab! Yep, don't mind them one bit! But the memories of our lunches together, remembering what a great Grandma she was, just can't do I don't! But I know one day I will be able too, one day it won't be as painful.

So for now I just get on with life, I visit her every other day, take her some chocolate, hold her hand, kiss her lots. Look into those eyes, searching for her.
I remember the day I realised she didn't recognise me anymore as a child, I was showing her an old photo album, she said the little girl in the photo looked nice, it was like someone had stabbed me in the heart.
Now she doesn't know who I am, when I remind her I'm her daughter she looks at me, puzzled. But you know something there is still love in her eyes. She knows she loves me, that bit comes from very, very deep in her. I hope that bit never goes.
So I get on with life, just like the millions of others who are affected by this cruel illness. I still dream about her, and Dad, when we were all together.
Perhaps the 'dreamcatcher' from the lovely Meme Rose, will catch them for me, and keep them safe! Thank you so much Sweetheart, your parcel is just delicious, I love everything in it so much!
I LOVE opening parcels, especially when they contain such goodies! I made the mistake of opening it with my daughters (wont do that again!), Eldest Bea pleaded for the dream catcher, reminding me how I'd broken hers.....well couldn't say no to that one! Then of course Little Bea had to choose, I don't mind really, if it gets them to appreciate the 'crafts'....
They were also suitably impressed she had been featured in this months Simply Crochet! They have something made by someone 'famous'! Kids, you've got to love them!
Thank you Meme Rose, I now have more 'street cred' with them, you know, due to the fact I know 'famous' people!!! (Actually I say more, I've never had any!)
Right....I'll be back soon....more upbeat next time I promise! I'm thinking wallpaper collection....better crack on and take some photos....lots to see!
Bye for now,
Amanda, very proud daughter of Dorothy, who by the way is still a lovely, lovely Mum.
(Ada will be back next time! Xxx)


  1. Oh Amanda I so want to come and give you a big hug. We are on the same journey with my Dad and it's so hard. I sat with him last night while my Mom took a well earned break and he asked me why nobody had told him I was his daughter. It breaks my heart but I joke with him and tell him I love him and know that somewhere inside he's still there. We are not alone on this journey and we all cope in our own ways. Sarah xx

  2. I love that, she 'knows' you, In the very cells of her body, in their memory, instinctively. Still sad though. A wonderful parcel to open and share! Heather x

  3. This post struck a chord with me. My dad has dementia and doesn't really know who I am anymore. He recognises me and, like you say, knows he loves me but most of the time he doesn't know he's my dad. Than, all of a sudden he will say 'I'm your dad' but then a few seconds later he's forgotten again. It's very hard and very sad xxx

  4. Oh, Amanda, such a touching post ... the tears are streaming freely! It mus be so hard for you and I totally understand how you don't want to remember certain bits, not that I've experienced the same as you, but losing my Mam as a child, it hurts me to think of what was missing when I grew up and also what my children have missed in the lovely Grandma my Mam would have been.

    You write so beautifully and matter-of-factly, you don't spin a fairytale, you say it like it is, and that is what I love about you!

    Claire xx

    PS I'm sure your Mum knows you love her too xxx

  5. It is part of Dorothy's core... her deep love for you Amanda...
    Hugs to you and your beautiful mum... Cass xx

  6. It is so difficult. You are grieving for your mom. It is an odd feeling when they are still here to be grieving. I didn't understand this when I was going through it....I felt just like you. It hurt when I thought about it too much. The whole time my mom was ill, I just kept remembering what she told us when she was still able to communicate. She said, "It is a process." It did help me keep it in perspective....that we had to go through this so when she wasn't here anymore - my mind could accept it. My prayers are with you.

  7. Just read this post and your last one too. Such touching heartfelt writing. Life can be so hard but thankfully love can see us through. Big hug. M x

  8. Such a cruel disease. It doesn't seem fair that some families have to go through such a sad time. Love to you. xx

  9. Dear Amanda
    Sorry that life has been a bit balmy of late - 'being there' is very important and you are both 'there' for each other. My mum had mental health problems which just got worse and worse as she got older. Even now I get wistful thinking how life might have been and a touch of envy when I see cheery families. My mum said very hurtful things sometimes and you just had to hold on to the fact that it was not really her - just someone else taking over for a while.
    Happy times around the corner Ada Bea
    Best wishes

  10. I agree with you on the coping. I too push away the memories that are still too close and painful. I know there will come a time when the memories will become happy ones and enjoyable to think on, as I've played this game with myself in my past. It does help to know others are going through the same painful experience though. I was recently speaking with a man who I saw on occasions at the school yard, and when it came up briefly in conversation that both our fathers were suffering dementia, he suddenly burst forth with all that he had been dealing with on his own, and it obviously was a relief for him to speak of it with someone who knew exactly what he was going through. It's a hard thing to deal with when the process is so drawn out. When my father suddenly hits a new level, I find myself saying "so, we are 'here' now", and I make my mental adjustments, take a deep breath and continue this long walk.

    Please pass the tissues!! OK, I'm off for a walk with two kids and a dog now and will be myself again in half an hour.

    Your crochet gifts are lovely btw, and I think it's great that your girls love the craftiness just as much as you do ;) Enjoy your week, and let's hope for some bright sunny weather to cheer us all as only sunshine can!! Wendy xox

  11. I went through the same with my Mum before she passed away ... it's really a grieving process even though physically they are still with you.
    She didn't get to the point of not recognising me ... though she became convinced that my sons were actually my two older brothers ... still boys.
    It is a very cruel disease.
    Sending all my very best wishes your way.

  12. Dear Ada, I have a few tears trickling down my cheek as I read this; you know my mum hasn't quite reached that stage yet, but she is quite confused, and has to be reminded about my sister who died coming up to 2 years ago. She finds it hard to put the past and the present together, and constantly asks who is related to who - helping her write cards is a Big Job, 'now do I put Freda, or am I her Grandmother?' being the general gist. I know what is coming. It is all so terribly sad. I am so glad my dad is no longer with us, he would have hated to see her this way.

    Anyway, what a lovely parcel to unwrap - see, there are good things in life too! Lx

  13. Sending you so much love for this heart felt post. You are very brave to share your feelings. Much love, Natasha xx

  14. oooooh so sad it brought tears to my eyes,
    seing one of your parents get a desease is hard,life is sometimes
    wish you all the strength in the world,
    funny if you follow a blog you feel you get to know the wrighter a bit
    I think wrighting a blog can realy keep your mind of the problems in life for a while
    best wishes
    greatings from holland

  15. Hi There,I am certain that she knows you!!I think there is a place in a Mothers being where her children are imprinted into her core!!!She might not always recognise you but I think she can feel you even though the mind doesn't know anymore what to do with that feeling!!!!It's truly a cruel disease both to the sufferer and their families!!!But chin up Ada, she's still with you!!!Body and soul,just not always with a sane mind!!!God Bless!!!

  16. Big hugs to you lovely ... Bee xx

  17. My mother had mental illness and I do understand how difficult it is to process things in your own mind; it took me alot of years and alot of tears. My aunt has alzheimers.

    It made me laugh about your daughters thinking I am "famous"... when I first saw the feature in the magazine i asked my hubbie what it was like to be married to a famous person and he said "alright!"

    Sending rainbows your way x

  18. I've been through it too, a few years back with a dearly beloved grandmother - I know how hard it can be, almost stuck in the in-between not the here and now.

    Take care and big hugs - just hold on to those memories...they are the true ones.

    Nina x

  19. Ít's so sad for you, heart breaking. I think my coping stategy would be the same as yours, not thinking to much about how it is now. for you. Rember the good. I'm blessed with very healthy parents, fysical and mentally. But I wonder how your mother is feeling. I've worked with Alzheimers patients, and I know that in the beginning they can be so frightened,so lost. But later on they can find a kind of peace. They just don't realise anymore what they have lost. Big hugs, groetjes, Gerda

  20. Bless you for sharing this with us. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to go through this with a parent. Sending you such big hugs. Fiona x

  21. Dearest Ada, I felt so intensly sad for you when I read this. It must be awful what you are going through. It is such a difficult condition for family to cope with and I can't even begin to know how it must feel. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that sometimes in life it is worth not trying to think about things too much, but just to enjoy the memories that do fill you with joy. May you continue to love your mom with so much love and passion and may you find the strenght every other day to give her this love and affection. These emotions rewrite the way our bodies function and especially cell reproduction and immunity. Sending you a big hug xoxo

  22. Grieving for what was once there and is no longer, it's natural, natural that you feel this way.
    I know you have done a lot of these adjustments in your life, it is never how you thought it would be.
    What is great is that you can talk and we can listen.......what I am learning is that the listening is the most supportive part.
    I have a child that went through a mental illness, and you do have to adjust, the body is there but the mind is no longer the person you once knew. It was damn hard, and hard to explain to others and all I wanted was a strong shoulder on which to sob and rage against the unfairness of it all.
    I hope that we the blogging community give you that place, and as you can see, there are many of us here that can listen. Big hugs(((((((((()))))))))))))

  23. Dearest Ada, I am a new follower of your beautiful blog. I know exactly how you feel. My Dad passed away from a long battle with Alzheimer's last June. I wrote about it in my blog and in a newspaper I wrote for. Talking about it and writing about it does help to heal the grief. Hugs to you. xoxo

  24. Sending you lots of love my is so hard. You are blessing your mom by being by her side even though it is a very hard thing to see your sweet mom this way...xoxoxo

  25. Lots of love and hugs to you Ada!! Sweet goodies you received! xo Heather

  26. oh Ada, you have moved me to tears reading your blog, life is so cruel sometimes. I will add you to my prayer list and off today for communion and will remember you whilst there.

  27. ok you got me in big fat ugly tears here my blog world friend! i hadn't realised before you were going through this. big hugs to you, what a cruel illness it certainly is xxxx

  28. Amanda - I feel like I want to give you a hug. Lots of love to you. x

  29. Big hugs to you, lovely Ada-Bea. It sounds like you are coping amazingly well. I think crafting and colour is such important food for the soul - so important to get some you time, to keep you well.... And what a lovely parcel to receive! Z xx

  30. Thinking of you Ada. My grandmother, who lived with us until I left home, had Alzheimer's. Thankfully I haven't had to experience it with my own parents, but I do miss them terribly. It must be very hard to miss someone who is still alive but no longer themselves.

  31. thanks for you lovey and honest post once again! we experienced the pain of alzheimers with my nana before she passed away. it effected me a lot, I loved my nana, but reading your post helped me understand the profound effect it had on my dad, to lose his mum so slowly like that. thankyou thankyou, im going to go give him a big hug next time I see him!!!! xx


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