Sunday 24 August 2014

Time, and A Hole.......

 

 
 
I'm suddenly finding myself with time. Time is a funny old thing isn't it, it's supposed to be constant, never changing, exact. Recently, I've found time changing, slipping through my fingers. No matter how hard I've tried to grasp it tight, before I know it, it's gone.....so quick. I just haven't been able to fit everything into the day that I hoped.
 
 
 
 
 
Knowing that Mum was in the last few days of her life has amplified time, made it more acute, more precious. I spent as much time as I could during her last few weeks, my usual life put on hold.
 
 
 
 
Tuesday was my last evening with her, just mum and me, listening to the radio. She held my finger, she was so ill and yet she communicated so much through the touch of my finger. I wanted time to stand still, to freeze that moment, suspend it. But how could I wish this, when I knew how ill she was, how much she was suffering? No that would have been selfish. She couldn't stay, not like this.
 
 
 
 
 
And so I told her all about my garden plans, the things I wanted to plant, and the garden room I'm hoping for. I told her I was ok, that she had bought up three daughters, who were strong, who knew how to enjoy life, it was ok to leave us, we would be alright. She had done a great job.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And the last few minutes of mums life were the hardest I've ever experienced. To know that someone you love so much, will soon leave you is incredibly painful.....and I hope us being there helped her, as she has helped us all our lives.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And time now, well it seems endless. I have so much time, I've got a huge gap to fill. A Mum-Shaped Hole. How do you fill a Mum-Shaped Hole. At this moment, I'm not sure.
 
 
 
 
 
Over the last few endless days, I've started to finish off some of my crafty projects. And I will continue to put my 'extra' time to good use, there a whole lot of crafting that needs to be done.....after all creativity is good for the soul.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I stared this blog just as my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, partly as a way of reconnecting with her again....through our crafty ways. I've got so much more from it. I've found a whole new community, joined together through their love of craft.
 
My Mum would have loved this little space of mine......and maybe now, she can read it......
 
 
 
Bye for now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

39 comments:

  1. Dear Ada ........your Mum-shaped hole can never be filled again but you can gently line it,layer after layer with all the sweet memories of your time with your dear Mum.

    Amanda xx





    ReplyDelete
  2. I have been thinking of you a lot over the last few weeks, especially when I have been away from the interweb, and I have been wishing you strength. I can't begin to imagine how hard it has been, but crafting and spending time with your own family will help you to heal I feel sure. Stay strong lovely Ada Bea and time will work it's magic in another way. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have no idea how anyone actually does fill a Mum shaped space, but you gradually do fill the space, but the shape of the Mum still remains, it is just full of other things than Mum. The outline remains though and your Mum will always be with you in your heart and she will go on with all that you do and your children do in the future. xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm quite new to your blog. I was really sorry to hear about your loss. You have a beautiful blog and you beautifully documented what you were going through. I work with family/informal carers (many of whom are caring for relatives with dementia, so I was very drawn to what you were writing about. Thank you for sharing. xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dearest Ada, that mum-shaped hole will never be filled. It is the memories, the love and the care that Mothers give us all through out lives and what they leave us with when they are gone. My Mom left a deep hole in my life when she left us but it is slowly smoothing out. I still miss her everyday but at least now I can smile when I think of her. Cherish your Mum shaped hole.

    Hugs,
    Sharon

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Ada , Im sure your Mum is up there reading every word of your blog and marvelling at the wonderful things you ve made. Crafting always lifts me,takes my mind and brings me peace ,Take care lovely , im thinking of you Xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Ada,

    I do not even know how you have the strength to write here when you have just suffered such a great loss. I also do not think that you could ever fill that hole again, but at least you do have a life time of memories. Maybe finishing off projects and doing little bits of crafting will help you along the way. Your projects look beautiful, they say so much about you.
    Thanks for sharing this!
    Ingrid xx
    http://myfunkycrochet.blogspot.be

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can relate to your post - except mine is a gran shaped hole. I find other things to do on a Friday which was always spent with her. But the day always starts with a cup of tea from her mug and she's never far from my thoughts. Thinking of you. Crafting is definitely a good idea. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Ada, I'm so sorry to hear that your dear Mum has passed away. A mum-shaped hole ... how true this is. Such a painful hole at times too. I think it's wonderful that you were able to be with her at the end. Something I was unable to do with mine. The phone call from the hospital instead. Being with your Mum and your sisters during here final hours would have been achingly painful, but her tears obviously evidenced she was indeed glad you were all there, and felt comforted to know you were staying with her till the end. Creativity is indeed a balm during this time, and it's good to hear that you've been finding solace there. Take care my friend, and although it's so difficult to lose a precious mum, you've got a lifetime of memories with her to hold close to your heart. As I remember you said to me once "you're lovely mum is looking down on you" ... so keep those words in your heart too. The pain in your heart will ease eventually, and that space will be filled again with love and happiness. big hugs, Wendy xox

    ReplyDelete
  10. Losing a love one is horrible. 9 yrs on I miss my dad like crazy.Im very sorry for your loss. If its any consolation it will get easier and a little more bearable.The happier memories will wipe out the sad ones x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Ada! This post brings back so many memories. I was so selfish as my moms days grew shorter. I wanted to spend every minute with her .... She meant so much to me. Keep stitching and blogging - if you can. My dad died 14 years ago and, although I didn't blog, I gave up quilting for a time. I just couldn't get back into the rhythm. Looking back, I think it would have helped me to make myself continue. You will know how much to tackle and when you need a break. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't think you can fill that hole, it just becomes a less painful hole. It's such early days. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs and love
    Jillxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ada my heart goes out to you at this sad time, we only have one Mum and she has always been there for us so to lose her is so very very sad. Time is a healer and from experience I can tell you the wonderful times come through after a while and the sadness and heartache ease but never go away completely. I lost Mum in 2006 and like you was privileged to be with her when she passed away, she is never far away and I know is with Dad who we lost in 1984 and one day I will be with them again. Mum will be looking down and watching over you and your sisters.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You can never fill a Mum's shaped hole, as I know, as there's always that space that you keep in your heart, for all those lovely memories xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ada I am so sorry to hear your news, I was thinking about you and wondering how you were. Letting go is hard but your lovely mum will be with you in your memories and your heart and in the things you make. I think at times like this crafting is wonderful because it forces us to sit and be quiet and in the moment. I often do my best thinking whilst crocheting. Love to you and your family x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Just sending you lots of love and hugs. Hold onto all those wonderful and magical memories of your dear mum. dee x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for expressing this so beautifully. I wish I could offer you a mug of tea and slice of cake whenever you need company just to break up the time. Do you prefer coffee and walnut or chocolate cake?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Good Morning Ada, I have allowed myself time hopping around a few blogs this morning and stumbled on yours. I have sat reading with tears rolling down my cheeks. Bless you for sharing so much and allowing your mothers love and strength to carry on through you and your blog. Allow yourself time to grieve and don't get annoyed when months down the line something sets you off. I lost my father 3 years ago and daft things would set me off. Run with it and enjoy the good memories that you can share with your sisters and family.
    On a crochet note... wow. It is such a thrill when you learn something and achieve so much. I had a vague idea how to crochet but 18 months ago had a lesson with a local lady to help me read patterns and be sure I knew what I was up to. Love it, love it and am making all sorts. As I am a carer for my daughter, crochet is my 'my time' and in some way addictive. Keep it up and enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. so sorry about your mum
    i hope the time will heal you as fast as it flies

    lovely crochet creations, the cushion cover is so pretty!

    ReplyDelete
  20. A lovely post Ada and time is the only thing that's going to help you fill that void!!! I am glad you have such wonderful memories of her!!!! Have a crafty and happy week!!!!
    Love
    AMarie xxx

    ReplyDelete
  21. I think YOU will probably fit the Mum-shaped hole in the time to come, maybe not an exact fit, but near enough for you to be so special for your family.The circle of life. Sending you much love XX

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ada I'm so sorry for you're loss, losing a parent is the hardest thing, when I lost my Dad it was throwing myself into creativity that helped so much, in my case song writing. For now just one foot in front of the other, it takes time but I know you'll get there, sending hugs
    Clare x

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ada so sorry for your loss I revisited your blog today. It would have been my mums birthday on the 21 August and my dads on the 22 August they have been dead 24 years and 51 years. When my mum died someone sent a card with 'May your memories comfort you' I often think of this and hope your memories will comfort you.
    Wishing you and your family all the very best.
    Bev

    ReplyDelete
  24. So sorry to hear about your mum. So hard to say goodbye to one who means so much, yet we all must eventually, in the way of things. I'm so glad you had time to spend with her, and that you have many lovely memories to hold on to, however painful that may be at the moment.
    My mum went unexpectedly, after a short illness. I didn't have time to get used to the idea of her not being there, and it took me a long time to fill that mum-shaped hole, as I'm sure it will you. I also found that once both parents had gone, I felt strangely disconnected, I had lost my "anchor" in the world (despite having my partner and son). Perhaps that's the moment you truly have to grow up. Thinking of you and yours - big hugs. xx

    ReplyDelete
  25. So sorry that your Mum has passed away Ada, you must feel like your heart has been ripped out :-( I don't think you can ever fill a family shaped hole but you can smile and think of her every time you create something that you know she would have loved and it is after all part of her in each of your creations as she is the one who has created you and your creative ways. Take care of yourself xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  26. Me, too. My little blog has been my healing place. Where I travel to early memories, traveled through my mother's last phase, craft, gsrden, raise kinds and explore. Make friends. Xxxooo.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Brave and beautiful words, sending you lots of love at this difficult time. xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. A Mum-Shaped Hole. Oh Ada, that's heart breaking. I suspect that nothing can fill a Mum-Shaped Hole, but I know that she will always be with you, always in your heart, and your sister's and children's hearts too. She lives on through you and your memories and she helped shape the person you've become. I know this new-found time seems strange, but think of it as a door opening as much as a door closing, a new chapter in your life with more time to do the things you love. Much love to you dear Ada. xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh my dear, that your Mum raised such a brave and true daughter says so much about who she was. Perhaps a mum-shaped hole is not one that should be filled, but rather one that will be part of the continuing fabric life weaves for you. The cloth immediately above it will be delicate but in time it will become as strong again as it was before x

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is such a profoundly touching post, Ada Bea. I am so sorry that you have lost your dear mum and your writing about her is such a tribute to the love she gave you all. I hope your crafting does bring you solace at this sad time.
    Sending love.
    Helen xox

    ReplyDelete
  31. So very sorry to hear the sad news about your mum. Mums are so very precious and I'm sure it was so comforting for your mum to have you and and your family with her at the end.Love and hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  32. What a beautiful post. Your mother is most certainly reading your post and she is with you in your beautiful creative space. Hugs and kisses

    ReplyDelete
  33. i'm soooo sorry to hear the loss of your beloved mother~ i remember the lovely image of her hands... but illness is a horrid thing...hope now she will rest in peace. big hugs to you...i bet she loved hearing your gardening plans and creative side of things~ i dont see my dad very often, he lives on the east coast and myself on the west...when he came to stay at the beginning of the school holidays i realized how much older hes getting, he was finding the west country hills hard to climb. When he was sleeping one afternoon~ i sat watching him thinking about him in my childhood and what a wonderful father he was/still is... We always cry when we have to wave good bye because i wont see him for many more months. Its good you got some special last moments with your mother~ its a way of making it less heart breaking when you feel its the right time for them to leave...but always with you in your heart and memories and walking through your garden ;0) xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  34. Dear Ada, so sorry to read of your loss.......your mum was much loved, how precious that is.
    It's 8 yrs since my mum passed away on September 9th. it was very sudden, unexpected and quite a shock. No time to say goodbye or talk about things, but we loved her and she knew that.....it's part of the cycle, but a difficult one when you have to deal with it.

    Take care of yourself ..........love from Oz...Xx

    ReplyDelete
  35. Oh my dearest Ada, I am in tears as I sit here and ready this beautiful post. You really are a very special women and so must your mother have been. I can't begin to understand just how difficult those last few hours must have been, but she is free, free from pain and suffering and a free spirit that will watch over you all. I hope that through your crochet, craft, garden and blog she lives on in your creative ways. I love all your beautiful crochet you are doing, they really are all very special!! Sending you a big hug and much love xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  36. Brave words. You had some beautiful moments together to treasure at the end. It makes us all appreciate our loved ones, and how we must enjoy each day.

    ReplyDelete

Hello! Thank you so much for leaving your thoughts and messages with me. I read each and everyone and will try and answer any questions as quickly as I can! :)x