Sunday 24 August 2014

Time, and A Hole.......

 

 
 
I'm suddenly finding myself with time. Time is a funny old thing isn't it, it's supposed to be constant, never changing, exact. Recently, I've found time changing, slipping through my fingers. No matter how hard I've tried to grasp it tight, before I know it, it's gone.....so quick. I just haven't been able to fit everything into the day that I hoped.
 
 
 
 
 
Knowing that Mum was in the last few days of her life has amplified time, made it more acute, more precious. I spent as much time as I could during her last few weeks, my usual life put on hold.
 
 
 
 
Tuesday was my last evening with her, just mum and me, listening to the radio. She held my finger, she was so ill and yet she communicated so much through the touch of my finger. I wanted time to stand still, to freeze that moment, suspend it. But how could I wish this, when I knew how ill she was, how much she was suffering? No that would have been selfish. She couldn't stay, not like this.
 
 
 
 
 
And so I told her all about my garden plans, the things I wanted to plant, and the garden room I'm hoping for. I told her I was ok, that she had bought up three daughters, who were strong, who knew how to enjoy life, it was ok to leave us, we would be alright. She had done a great job.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And the last few minutes of mums life were the hardest I've ever experienced. To know that someone you love so much, will soon leave you is incredibly painful.....and I hope us being there helped her, as she has helped us all our lives.
 
 
 
 
 
 
And time now, well it seems endless. I have so much time, I've got a huge gap to fill. A Mum-Shaped Hole. How do you fill a Mum-Shaped Hole. At this moment, I'm not sure.
 
 
 
 
 
Over the last few endless days, I've started to finish off some of my crafty projects. And I will continue to put my 'extra' time to good use, there a whole lot of crafting that needs to be done.....after all creativity is good for the soul.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I stared this blog just as my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, partly as a way of reconnecting with her again....through our crafty ways. I've got so much more from it. I've found a whole new community, joined together through their love of craft.
 
My Mum would have loved this little space of mine......and maybe now, she can read it......
 
 
 
Bye for now,
 
 
Ada :) xxx
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Wednesday 20 August 2014

Rest In Peace, My Beautiful Mum.

 

 
 
 
My Beautiful Mum passed away this afternoon. Myself and my sisters were with her, telling her how much we loved her, and what a brilliant Mum she had been.
 
She stayed awake until the moment she left us, tears rolling down her cheeks. She faced her death, as she faced life....full on, brave, and giving out love. She gave us her love to her last breath.
 
It was a privilege to be with her, supporting her to the end. It was a privilege to have been her daughter.
 
The lady who called me Ada Bea has gone from this world, but through this blog I can still be Ada Bea.
 
Thank you all for you love and support, to which I am very grateful,
 
 
Ada Bea :) xxx
 
 
 

 

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Precious Moments....

 

 
 
 
Firstly I would like to thank everyone for you're fabulous support, and to say I'm sorry that I've been so absent. Time is very precious at the moment, I'm able to quickly pop images on to IG, but very little else.
 
 
Despite what the medics said, Mum is still with us, five weeks on, doing what she does best, being a mum and being determined to live! That determination to stay with us has been amazing, but it's also painful to watch.
 
 
We've all been spending as much time as we possibly can with her. Some family and friends have come to say goodbye, not wishing to see her towards the end. I can completely empathise with that decision. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love so much, decline in front of your eyes.
 
The last few weeks have been bittersweet. There have been tremendously sad times, where you feel like your own heart will stop, you can't take anymore. Then there are the most beautiful, inspiring moments, when you know there is so much love, your heart with burst.
 
We have been blessed with moments of real clarity, where mum knows exactly who we are, and she knows exactly how much she loves us. This really is a gift, especially when your parent has Alzheimer's, and these bits of information have been missing.
 
 
So many precious moments, in a time that is so incredibly hard.
 
 
And we did go to Cornwall....it was a beautiful week, and whilst I so wanted to be by mums side, I knew she would insist I spend time with my girls. I will share our holiday at some point, record those moments.
 
 
 
 
 
It's been incredible important for me to finish my Mothers Love blanket, which I did, and took it to show mum. I described all the colours and popped it under her hand.
 
 
And so we take one moment at a time. Each moment is precious and heart wrenching in equal measure. The balance is tipping, the sand is running out but we know Our Mum.....she's full of surprises, never quite doing what people expect of her. We could be a while yet....
 
 
Much love,
 
 
Ada :) xxx